Old ruggers

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you".

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike -- it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the Starting 15 for Tuesday."

Rugby Positions

(A prop sent this to me. He, in turn, got it from another prop. It bears a passing likeness to "All Manner of Men." I think it's interesting that the rugby props seem to dominate rugby literature. - Wes)

Front Row: Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Reveling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't even considered humans at all. Front rowers tolerate this attitude far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking."

Locks: Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row players it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep near this group's maw when they are in the feeding mode. This group of large, often foul-smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking"- they are usually just dumb.

Back Row: These are fine, fit fellows who, like a bunch of hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to win the ball and there are others within this group that will break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have to wonder about any forward who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game.

Scrum Half: Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I myself tend to think of the No. 9 as half a fairy. While the toughest back almost always fills this position, this idea is almost laughable - kind of like the hottest fat chick. The scrum half's presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the backline who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum. The No. 9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile.

Fly Half: His primary role is the leader of the backs - a dubious honor at best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell are ability to throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the backline - the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually light on his feet. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.

Centers: Usually come in two varieties: hard chargers or flitting fairies. The hard charger is the one to acquire, as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above No. 8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of hair care products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post-game festivities.

Back 3: While some people refer to this group as two wingers and a fullback, I swear to God I can't make out any difference between them. They are all bleeping bleeps if you ask me. How these three guys can play 90 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they came out. These ladies are fond of sayings like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels Win" - how cute. Well, I have a saying too: it's "You're a bleeping bleep!!" These guys will be easy to spot after the game because they are the finely coifed, sweater wearin', wine sippin', sweet-talkers in the corner avoiding the beer swilling curs at the bar. On the whole, I really don't mind this group because in the end, they sure are purty to look at.

                   God and the Albatross RFC

Clive Woodward (coach of the English rugby team) and Loren Brake (coach of the Albatross rugby team) both die and enter the Pearly Gates. God takes Clive on a tour of heaven and ends up at a little two-bedroom bungalow with a faded English rugby banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Clive," says God, "You're very lucky. Most people don't get their own houses up here, you know." Clive looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the huge mansion on top of the hill. A massive, multi-storey affair with white marble columns, balconies and attractive gardens, Albatross banners line both sides of the footpath and a huge Albatross flag hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the house, God," says Clive, "But let me ask you a question. How come I get this little two-bedroom bungalow and Loren gets a huge mansion with all those marble columns and things." God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That's not Lorens house," God says. "That's my house."

All Manner of Men

(Stolen without shame from the Richmond United RFC web site Somebody in this club may have written this, or may not. Anyway, I fixed the formatting and some of the grammar. And if you're a back reading this and object to the forwards orientation of the piece, hey, the truth hurts. - Wes)

There are eight forwards. They take part in scrums, lineouts, rucks, and mauls - essentially everything that is meaningful in the game. The close physical work necessary for the forwards engenders a sense of comradeship not shared by the prancing, self-centered and effeminate backs. The game has evolved, thank goodness, with multi-phase possession allowing the forwards to demonstrate their running ability with the ball.

Props and Hookers
The front row is the cauldron, the foundation for all good rugby play. The front row is noted for their power and good looks, like no necks, battered ears, and S-shaped noses. Such players are noted for their intelligence and longevity well into their forties.

Second Row
The second row is the engine room where the power flows. The second row - or lock forward - is tall, with plenty of leverage strength in the legs. He must be productive in the lineouts as a jumper or supporter. Mobility is added plus. The second row is much appreciated by the front row for their power in the scrummage but they are generally not as good looking as the front row.

The loose forwards
The loose forwards include the #8 and the flankers. The loose forwards are respected by the front row for their mobility, fitness, defense and support work. The loosey must have tremendous fitness and ball fetching instincts which are not completely understood or trusted by the props and hooker, who are perfectly content to scrummage all day for the ball.

The Scrum-half
The little scrum half provides the ball to the backs when the forwards are damn well ready for the strutting backs to knock it forward. The forwards have grudging respect for the scrum-half because he trys hard and is not afraid to get dirty with the rest of the scrummies. The wise scrum-half will drink and buy beers for the scrummies to maintain his favored position with the forwards.

The Flyhalf
It is rumored that the Fly has the best vision, hands, kicking ability, and overall tactical decision making ability on the side. The forwards do not understand or trust this individual. The hard-working scrummies generally expect and anticipate a knock forward from the fly so they can have the pleasure of another scrum-down.

The Centers
These hombres are supposed to be deadly tacklers, with strong running instincts and good hands. Alas, the centers are lumped in there with the prancing flyhalf. If the fly doesn't knock on, surely one of the centers will muff it up so the scrummies can experience the joy and satisfaction of another scrum-down.

The Fullback and Wingers
These guys may as well be from Mars. They are allegedly fast with excellent striking ability. They are supposed to score lots of trys, catch the high ball, and counter attack with flair. But the stark reality (well understood by the forwards) is that the fullback and wingers prance and preen more than the inside backs. They don't get dirty and are always playing with their hair and pulling on their collars. In fact their sexual orientation has been called into question on numerous occasions. Some props think fullbacks and wingers are "real purdy."

Thinking quickly

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Iowa sir".

"You're joking ! Why did you leave Iowa?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players over there."

"My wife is from Iowa!!"

The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

The Smartest Man on the Pitch

The club president, coach, a prop and a wing are taking a charter flight to the National Finals when the engines cut out.

The pilot enters the passenger compartment and says, "We're going down. There's only four parachutes! Since I'm the pilot I'm taking one," and then jumps from the plane.

The coach says, "Without me the team won't have a chance, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out.

The winger says, "I'm the fastest and smartest man on the pitch and without me the team can't win a game, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out of the plane.

The club president looks at the prop and says, "You take the last parachute. The team needs you more than it needs me". The prop responds, "We both can take a parachute. The smartest man on the pitch just jumped out of the plane with my kit bag on his back."